dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
