and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You need Xanax blowdarts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
