I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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