My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
