My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
