Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
