I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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