...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
