3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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