I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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