Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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