What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
