I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
