I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
