like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
