Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
