If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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