a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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