Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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