Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
