her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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