I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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