My sheets look like a crime scene.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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