my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish you could order shots online.
this just has baby written all over it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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