Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
