Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
