fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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