Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
