I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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