Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Pants are for mortals
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
