come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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