you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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