yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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