ya dads aren't the best wingmen
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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