those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
