We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
