You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
