Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
