you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
