the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
