SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You smell like a Billy Joel song
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
