no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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