tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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