he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
