my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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