so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
