'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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