he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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