just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
