Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
There's even glitter on my cock...
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